2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?