AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
OH. COME. ON.