So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
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My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
The pen is writier than the sword.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Möther may I have a snäck
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??