Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
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If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,