Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Them: You should try keto
Me:
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment