*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Monday
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed