My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
*orders delivery*
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.