my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
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Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
How dramatic are you?
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not