I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
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A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
(True)
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Bless you
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.