Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Good Morning.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.