I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
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Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
me: you can get hurt when you don鈥檛 listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that鈥檚 not the point
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn鈥檛 have possibly have been my fault.
A bold strategy
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槅馃槅馃槅馃馃馃槀馃槀
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)