It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
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I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
what are they serving at kfc then???
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.