Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
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Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…