Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.