I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
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Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.