I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
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I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Well, that should do it
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I hope this email finds you in a well
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first