Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
I’m listening
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…