White Castle for the Win
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No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks