Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
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ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.