You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not