The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
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Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*