He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
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Writing, She Murdered.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What