Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
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My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.