Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
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I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
oppen heimer style lol
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…