Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.