Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Actually cracking up @ this
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.