As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Perfect.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!