An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
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Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.