“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
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Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
definitely did not do anything wrong
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
very niche meme I made
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.