Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
A classic…
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol