Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
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[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
A drum solo but on your face.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?