ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
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Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.