It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
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I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?