I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised