Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
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SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.