Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
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Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.