the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
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Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
That’s a good costume, I hope.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
it’s either covid or clever vampires
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.