I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
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Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Not all heroes wear capes….
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]