no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
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I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.