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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames