Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
You Might Also Like
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now