*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
You Might Also Like
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
My dad is at it again
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies