8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
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Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs