Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
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#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.