If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
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My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…