my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
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Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously