*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
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All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.