why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
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How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
peep davidson
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.