My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
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*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on