I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Not today
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.